I saw a documentary last night with Bachelor #4 about Derek Jarman at the gay film festival. At one point in the film, Tariq Ali talks about the absence of compelling visions by contemporary gay filmmakers and says something like, “to not put too fine a point on it, there is no culture.” He ends on a positive note saying that baby gays will see this work and be inspired to continue challenging the forms of the medium. The Roxie was about half full–no, half empty, mostly with 40 and 50 somethings. After the documentary, they showed a short film by Jarman. His work often brings to mind 17th century group portraits, a painterly cinema of contemporary gay experience. Part of what interests me so intensely in his work is that it’s not only politically and intellectually charged, it’s also gay and clever and fun, with elements that are almost camp–like gay men are all of those things. What an amazing artist, and what dazzling urgent work.
I told #4 about #8-10 (he’s been out of town), and that I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed and would like to focus on the guys that I’ve been seeing. I woke up this morning in a state of panic and quickly fired off an email urging him to disregard my statement and consider continuing with the getting-to-know-each-other that we’ve been doing. It’s like I have to keep repeating, “I’m dating, I’m dating…” otherwise I lapse into marriage. Or divorce. #4’s a great guy, my exact age (!), with talent, charm, a promising future and a calmness that’s quite comforting–what was I thinking??