Since my most recent paramour and I have separated, I’ve been flirting up a small tempest. I’ve lined up a gaggle of eligible bachelors to appear on my Dating Game, and thus far have personally interviewed four: HoHo, Heff, Pinky, and JB.
HoHo is from the midwest and has a warm welcoming smile, a big furry body, and twinkling eyes, like something Hanna-Barbera would have created for me to snuggle up to. Tonight we met for drinks at Sens in the Embarcadero Center, with a spectacular view of the Bay Bridge. We spoke of blackberry jam, gin, stepdads and gardening in a mild-winter climate. He’s cautious about steamrolling into a new relationship, so it’s an unpressured delight to be with him as he slowly reveals more and more of himself. Little Heff is everything but little, with a bounteous reservoir of wit and intelligence. This weekend we Kabukulated* and noodled** in Japantown. He’s a great guy to talk to, and it’s always about something that no one else is talking about, or even thinking about, actually. Pinky I thought was going to be this sex-crazed pervert, but he’s a mellow former hippie type who is sensitive, politically and socially aware, easy-going, and just a complete pleasure to be around—someone your mom would love to smoke pot with.
JB is married, which in the San Francisco bear world means that his heart belongs to his husbear, but the rest of him is up for grabs. Well, he is so cute I couldn’t resist grabbing some myself, and spent the better part of yesterday afternoon and evening with him in a mostly non-vertical configuration. And what a lot to grab onto: milky white skin as soft as a baby’s butt peppered with downy black fur; a full black beard on a solidly square jaw; and those big dark eyebrows that absolutely drive me crazy. He was very anxious and self-conscious and at times I wanted to shake him and scream Don’t you realize you’re one of the most desirable men in this time zone, and quite possibly in this hemisphere? What on earth do you have to be anxious about? Just relax and let Dr. Coco treat this nervous tension with his magical elixir of love! but instead performed my thoughts in an arduous four-hour interpretive belly dance.
After the elation of our ecstatic encounter, and upon dropping him off at home, a deep sadness overwhelmed me. He had been very clear about the parameters of our encounter from the get-go, that he was in a serious relationship and nothing, not even regularly scheduled get togethers, was possible beyond our limited engagement. Of course, during our brief relationship we had talked for hours, sharing a depth of experience and ideas, aspirations… oh, and he did that porn talk, you know “Yeaaaah, uh huh… oh yeaaaaah…” but anyway, so there we were, with all these restrictions, but completely open and vulnerable, sharing everything there is to share. I could have easily told him I loved him. I could hear my heart splinter as he shut the door. Whoever coined the term “little death” got it right.
* To kabukulate: to partake of the communal baths and steam facilities at Kabuki Hot Springs
** To noodle: consume mass quantities of Japanese noodles in a sophisticated urban eatery