Cyber Outlaw

Friday, April 15th, 2005 | Uncategorized

I am now a cyber-outlaw. E-Bay has suspended my account and forbidden me from opening another one… It all started several weeks ago, when my visually impaired friend, Peter, asked me to post some of his Jens Quistgaard-designed Dansk pepper mills for him on e-Bay, using his account. I was to receive 10% commission for photographing and posting the items, 5 to 6 at a time, over a period of 4 weeks. It is obviously the Day of the Quistgaard Pepper Mill, for they sold for outrageous amounts of money. Eager to own a piece of Danish Modern magic for my own, I bid on one, using my own account, never imagining that my action could possibly be perceived as making a “shill bid.” Well, wouldn’t you know it, a few days after being outbid, I received an email today from e-Bay, a real one mind you, not one of the bogus ones asking for my credit card information, but a real cancellation of my account and a warning not to try to open a new one. They never warned me, or asked me what was going on or anything, they just decided that my actions were criminal. And 34 hours before I was to bid on the grooviest mod chandelier for my entry hall.

Why are you doing this to me, e-Bay? I’ve given so much of my money and prime porno-viewing time to you, and you cast me aside at the slightest hint of impropriety.

I am guilty until I prove that I am innocent. The letter that I sent e-Bay in response the the cancellation of my account, explaining Peter’s disability and my long unsubstantiated history of buying expensive utilitarian objects from him outside of e-Bay was so lame that even I wouldn’t buy it. Without e-Bay, life holds no value–only full retail.

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